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I’m feeling a little more glass half full…

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starting-over
I feel so confused on days and time right now. I guess it’s all because of the broken up work weeks due to Christmas and New Year’s. Well, I should pick up where I left off right? So, Miel didn’t make it by midnight on New Year’s. In fact it was nearly 1:30am before I saw him, but I didn’t care, I would have waited no matter what. I felt just awful for him, stuck on a plane where they were basically just holding everyone before takeoff of a mere 30 minute connection flight! So a plane full of strangers sat on a southern American runway and rung in the New Year on a stuffy plane with grunts and groans about the hold up. I spent the midnight moment standing in Camber and John’s living room, watching whatever lame NYC show they play every year, and we toasted to nothing and I drank nothing. I had to drive to the airport and I was risking nothing to get to Miel safely, on time and without incident. I was so glad to see him, and we ended up staying up so very late. In the morning I made him brunch, a classic traditional recipe of my late Grandfather’s, spaghetti Carbonara, and it was perfect, the food the company, the day. But, as you know, I can never seem to leave well enough alone. Well, plus it was beginning to really eat away at me that I had argued with Miel while he was away, and arguing with someone via video chat with a horrible connection thousands of miles away can make anyone want to rip their hair out, I think it’s safe to say that at the moment, we probably wanted to rip each other’s hair out.

Although we made up before he came back home, I still felt that we had left certain things unsaid, and I carefully raised the subject as were starting our day, at the time it felt like perhaps I wasn’t doing the “right” thing, but I felt really compelled to talk about it, and now I’m really glad we did. You see, on “paper” it probably doesnt appear like we belong together. Our interests and aspirations, goals and future plans all seem to be a jumbled mess where the lines don’t connect and in fact while they may intersect at certain points, in general they are headed in polar opposite directions, so to speak. But in “person” it makes absolute sense. It feels natural. He feels like the right place for me to be. When I’m with him, I just feel like I’m where I should be, that I’m far away from the world outside, and I have no worries. I’m not living in a fantasy world here, yes, I have a life and responsibilities, and worries and concerns, but they seem so much more distant when we are together. I am very comfortable with him; it’s something I guess that people just can’t explain. It is or it isn’t type of thing. OK. So I guess we see the crossroads now. The “at what point are we going to realize we can’t go any further?” And although that thought has crossed, re-crossed and resurfaced in my mind a thousand times, I just don’t have an answer, a prediction, or even a gander at that. It seems when you consider the options, there are two that seem rational: hold on to what we have and when we come to the point, IF we come to the point we cannot go forward, we admit the impasse and try to move on. Or, end it on the basis that we want to avoid later heartache by ripping the Band-Aid off now, one pull, and it’s over, a little pain, a little hurt, but you heal and move forward. Only, we weren’t ready for the Band-Aid moment, and there is that chance that it might never come, and we won’t have to be hurt over anything.

You see, I have been cynical for SO very long, that my negativity has really shown some flaws about myself to others. Talking about how awful marriage is, and complaining that I’m “never having children” really makes a person doubt what kind of relationship material you really have. But I want those things! Perhaps not this very second, but most certainly in the future. In fact, I unveiled the baby plan to Camber just last month. It seems that proverbial “clock” really does exist. And it just happened to start ticking while I was in a department store one afternoon thankfully solo when a pink pair of infant socks sent a wave of tears down my face completely unexpectedly. It was precisely that moment I knew that I wanted to be a mother, and I didn’t care if one day I had to face the reality of doing it on my own. And so, the “at 34″ baby plan was hatched. At age 34 I would try to get pregnant, even I’m still on my own and I have to use science to make it happen. Now, of course I never told Miel this. Why would I tell anyone this? In fact the only one I knew who would understand, was Camber. And naturally she did. I guess when I had tried to get pregnant when I was married and started having trouble; I hardened myself against wanting children at all, and became convinced that God found me unfit to be a mother at all. Ridiculous thought when I think back on it now… But nevertheless, that had been my frame of mind at one time. Things change, time changes a person, and I now see a different future for myself than what I had once seen. Now, I just need to brace myself for what may come next.



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